¿Qué dicen en este vídeo? (Inglés)?

Querría traducir este vídeo del cómico canadiense Jon Lajoie, pero necesito el texto en inglés. ¿Alguien podría, por favor, transcribir el texto en inglés de lo que dicen?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIM-8DT-F_k&feature=g-u-u&context=G276e16fFUAAAAAAAAAA
¿Qué dicen en este vídeo? (Inglés)?

Respuestas:

chica
i couldnt handle the dating scene anymore, i mean i thought i was gonna be single for the rest of my life
chico
i've giving up, i was convinced that there was anyone out there compatible with me
*
and then a friend told me about dating match dot com
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online dating, i have to admit i was pretty skeptical
*
it was so easy, i just went to the web site, filled out the formed and they gave me my potential matches
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and that's where i met Erin, we matched ........... a couple of times and i ask her out on a date
*
from the moment i met jhon i knew that he was the biggest asshole
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i couldnt stand her, gosh she was materialistic, self center
*
arrogant, unatractive
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shallow, stupid
*
sexist
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kept going on and on about how her mom was a pole vaulting champion in the early 90s or something who gives a shit
*
terrible listener, my mom who was a pole vault champion she's dead now, she would of hating him
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cunty, is that a word?
*
he kept farting and blaming on the asian guy sitting next to us
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there was this asian guy sitting next to us, kept farting the whole time, gross, why are you farting its a restaurant?
*
he even got angry cuase i've never heard of this robot police movie
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i understand if you've never seen robocop, i get it, but you have never heard of robocop, come on, you heard of robocop
*
what the ****, worst date of my life
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why would someone pretend they dont know who robocop is? bucause they are ******* crazy
*
i couldnt take it anymore i just starting ordering drink after drink after drink
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i've just kept pretending to go to the bathroom, but really i was pounding tekila shots at the bar, charlie sheen style, winning
*
and he kept making this aweful outdated referenses?
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an hour into the date i was hasselhoff wasted
*
i got so drunk
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you guys has seen thta video? hasselhoff eating a burger?
*
and unfurtunately when i drink i get horny
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the alcohol kinda help me overlook everything i hated about her wich was everything about her
*
i should have go gome to my vibrator, but he was there, and i havent gotten laid in a while
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and then we went back to her place, i cant remember much but, i think i went down on her at one point
*
i thought he was gonna go down on me and the he just went under the sheeds and started whispering, is that how you like your pankakes? is that how you like your pankakes? bababush.
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then we had sex, and i was pretty good i think
*
not only was his dick small and cricket, and for some reason it smell like old vinagre, but he could barely get it up.
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even though i was drunk i was still able to get a full straight erection, super straight
*
when i woke up the next morning i felt so ashemed, all i could think of was my mom up in heaven with those beautiful pole vaulting medals around her neck just shaking her head in disappointment
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i didnt even looked at her, i've just got up, putted on my clothes and got the hell out of that crazy bitchs aparment, what a nightmare


*
then nine months later i gave birth to our beautfiful daughter juliann
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and we've been together ever since, that's four years now, xD four years.


*
as my mom would say, you cant pole vault drill out of this one
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oh for fu...
shut the **** up about your mom already
*
are you joking
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im not joking
*
seriuosly?
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she didnt even was a good pole vault drill, she was a bronze medallist
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champion
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broze medallist
*
you do this in front of the camera? you do this in front of the camera?
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bronze medallist
*
seriously
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she's ******* crazy, this bitch is ******* crazy
*
**** you


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why would you pretend to not know who robocop is?
*
im not pretending
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yeah you're not pretending, the dad from that seventy show is the bad guy, you're a huge that seventy show fan
*
sure
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so? why would you?


jaja me cag4 de risa con el video xD


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